One month

It has been one month since I married my prince charming. I can't believe how quickly this month has flown by...and how blessed I feel. I won't begin to pretend this has been an easy month, but I couldn't have asked for a better, more patient, loving, compassionate, eternal companion to help me through the bumps as I've tried to find my place in this existing family unit or as I've tried to define my new role in the house and community or as I've tried to discover who Alisha Southwick is while I've said good-bye to my life as Alisha Shumway. There have been moments where I've longed to have a manual on how to parent children that are already grown. I have ached for guidance as I've tried to navigate my way around this new role as "mother". I don't think I've ever prayed more earnestly than I have at this time in my life. I just want to do right. I was never prepared for what life could be like stepping into an existing family. There were never any Young Women's lessons on how to be a step-mom or how to deal with ex-in-laws. I know Jeff and I talked at length about these concerns prior to marriage, but it's one of those situations that no matter how prepared you may think you are - you really aren't. How do you handle feeling like a fake mom because you're not the biological mom? How do you feel like a mom to children who didn't even know you 9 months ago? What does being a mom feel like? How do I find the balance between being compassionate and understanding to the changes the kids are going through, but also being true to myself and assertive in requiring consideration (e.g., doing chores, helping out around the house, etc.) in return? I can't say that I've found many answers to any of these questions or that any of the options I've tried have been the right ones, but I can say that I wouldn't trade these experiences for anything. I don't know what it's like to have a biological child, but I do know what it's like to love these children and desire only the best for them. I may not know what it's like to experience all the growing up years for children from infancy through toddlerhood, but I do know what it's like to enjoy the successes of these kids and ache with them during their difficult moments. I know what it's like to feel excited when it's time for them to come home from school and to hear about their days. I know what it feels like to hear "thank-you" when you didn't think anyone was paying attention to what you'd done. I know the joy I feel when the girls open up to me about their days or their friends or their school struggles. I know the love I feel when I see the admiration and appreciation in the eyes of my eternal companion. There is no manual on the "how-to's" of life...for anyone, but I know to whom I can go to seek guidance and comfort. I am grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life. I am grateful to know that I was divinely led to Jeff and that we are meant to be together. I lean on that knowledge in times when I feel like the adversary is trying to discourage me...and I lean on Jeff. I am grateful for his strength and his faith. I am grateful for his patience and his compassion. It's been one month...and I look forward to the many months, years and decades ahead. (Below is a picture of one of the highlights of my week. This little note was waiting for me on my bed after a long day. I am grateful to have a "son" (actually two "sons" and two "daughters") who is so caring. It's the little things like this that have made the past month one of the best ever!)