Empty Arms

Today was supposed to be my due date, if I hadn't miscarried my baby at nine weeks. I have been dreading this day for quite some time. I just wanted to sleep all day and wake up to a new day. I didn't want to be reminded that my arms are still empty. Since my miscarriage, Jeff and I have tried medications and even intrauterine insemination to no avail. My heart aches over the child I lost. I worry that I may not be able to get pregnant again. I worry that was my one and only chance of having a child of my own. There is a void in my heart that only seems to grow with each passing month. It doesn't matter how hard I try to love the four incredibly amazing kids I have - that void is still there. I want to have at least one child that I know is mine - one child that I don't have to share with an ex-wife or ex-in-laws. It is extremely difficult to reconcile myself to the fact that I have no legal claim on the four children I am raising. They are not even mine according to the records of the church; yet, I am the one serving, sacrificing and loving them on a daily basis...and will be the one to do so for much longer than their biological mother...and yet, in the end, I may not even have claim to them in the eternities. How can the Lord give and take away so easily? Why do I have to harbor this hope that causes so much pain and disappointment? 

Needless to say, I didn't want to be alone today so I drove around with Jeff while he took care of some work errands then we headed to Temple Square for the evening. This was where we had our first date. I have always loved the peace I feel walking around those grounds. I especially love sitting in the North Visitors' Center where the Christus statue is. As Jeff and I silently sat there, I simply stared at the statue. I was seeking peace and understanding when I realized that the Lord's arms are empty too. There He stood, beckoning all to come unto Him, but He is not depicted with crowds of people around Him. I pondered the significance of this. I wondered how much His heart must ache for the children He has lost. He had no child of His own - yet, He has earned each of us from his Father in Heaven because of His love, service, and ultimate sacrifice. Still, we have to choose to be enveloped in His arms. This realization didn't fill the void in my heart, but it did bring peace. I know He understands me. I know He has felt the void I feel in my heart. I know He knows what it feels like to be rejected by those He loves and serves. I know He knows what it feels like to sacrifice and serve without any gratitude or any guarantees that His service and sacrifice will be accepted by others. Just the thought that He knows me personally and can truly understand what I feel brought the needed peace I sought.

We left the Visitors' Center and made our way over to the Joseph Smith Memorial building where we had dinner reservations at the Garden Restaurant (good food but way more reasonably priced than The Roof). As we walked passed the towering spires of the Salt Lake temple, peace again filled my heart. Even though this was not the temple Jeff and I were sealed in, it reminded me of the promises Jeff and I made to each other and to God on the day we were sealed in the Mesa Arizona temple. Jeff is the rock I lean on. He has faith beyond my comprehension. I feel great comfort in knowing that at least I will have him for eternity.

The evening ended with a nice dinner with my favorite person in the whole wide world. A day that I had been dreading for weeks was actually a day filled with peace and love...that's why I keep smiling. I still have a void in my heart. I still long to have a child to fill my empty arms, but I know that, even when I'm feeling weak, I have the strength of my Savior as well as my husband to lean on.