It's a BOY!!!

I am finally ready to announce that Jeff and I are expecting a little boy in July!! I am 20 weeks pregnant! It has been 20 weeks of emotional ups and downs (and I'm sure I have 20 more) as I've struggled with fears of losing this baby as I lost my first pregnancy. However, we had an ultrasound today that revealed that everything appears to be developing normally. So let me back up and fill in the blanks of the past 20 week journey. In October 2014, Jeff and I prepared ourselves for our third IUI (intrauterine insemination). The previous two attempts had failed. With each failed attempt, the despair I felt increased. I was becoming certain that I would never be able to have a biological child. I continued to struggle with feelings of loss and, truth be told, feelings of resentment. I was angry that God would deny me this righteous desire and resented the fact that I appeared destined to only raise children that would never be "mine". Logically, I knew my Father in Heaven loved me. I knew He would not allow the tears to fall without there being an equal measure of joy, but I couldn't see it. Still, I tried to press forward with faith. I tried to maintain hope of joy...even if that joy was not what I had in mind. I worked hard to live in the moment and to see the blessings that were being poured out in abundance. Yet, I still couldn't relinquish my desire to have a child. Jeff and I prayed, and we felt prompted to continue to move forward. We felt that we needed to do all we could to accomplish this desire, which meant another round of clomid and another IUI. Honestly, I had little hope of this being successful so, as a contingency plan, I also scheduled to have the fibroid removed from the exterior wall of my uterus so as to be able to move forward with IVF in a year after the surgery. On October 31, 2014 (yup...Halloween), I received the IUI then waited two agonizing weeks before knowing whether or not it took. On November 18, 2014 (one year to the day that I had my d&c for my previous miscarriage), Jeff and I discovered I was pregnant! The procedure was successful! I just stared at the home pregnancy test. I tilted it in the light and scrutinized it, but there it was...the light blue "+" sign that indicated I was pregnant.

I don't think words could ever describe the overwhelming joy and incomprehensible anxiety I felt all mixed into one moment. I was pregnant!...but would this child live? Or was I destined to experience another miscarriage - another devastating loss? Thus began the emotional roller coaster of the next 20 weeks. After discovering I was pregnant, Jeff gave me a priesthood blessing in which I was blessed that both this child and I would be healthy and that I would be able to have this child. You would think that receiving this blessing would have brought me unending peace, but I still struggled. I desperately tried to maintain my faith, yet the emotional pain from my previous miscarriage was burned into my heart. It was a pain I did not want to re-experience. Unfortunately, I wasn't the only one of this emotional roller coaster ride. I drug Jeff and the boys along as well. Some days were easy and the ride was pleasurable - other days were not. I had ultrasounds at 7, 8, 11, and 14 weeks gestation. With each positive ultrasound, I gained in confidence, but the worry persisted. Am I eating right? Was that drive on that bumpy dirt road going to hurt the baby? Did I inhale too much diesel fumes when Jeff fired up the tractor in the shop? Obviously, some of my worries seemed to be baseless, but they were concerns nonetheless. I worried when I felt lower abdominal pains and I worried when I didn't. After the week 14 ultrasound, I finally started announcing our good news to our family. I felt more confident and sure that this pregnancy would last; yet, I still couldn't bring myself to widely publicize our little miracle...until now. Today's ultrasound was so amazing! We discovered that our little miracle is a baby boy! Ever since I saw that light blue "+" sign, I knew it was a boy...today just confirmed it. The images were so detailed and surreal. That is my baby! Those are his little hands and feet, his arms and legs, his heart, his stomach, and so on. With each look at each organ, I would hold my breath until I heard the ultrasound tech state that everything appeared to look good. I would then relax and enjoy the moment until the tech searched for another organ and another examination of whether or not it was developing properly. However, at the end of the 20-30 minutes, I felt lighter than air as the burden of worry seemed lifted from my shoulders. My baby boy was ok. His little body seems to be developing normally and everything appears to be in good condition.

I realize that there are still risks, but my faith is stronger. I still have 20 weeks to go, but I have started to feel his movements. I used to think that seeing a child move inside a mother's womb was pretty creepy...but it couldn't be further from that! It is the sweetest, most reassuring feeling. I look forward to those little flutters and flips. After the ultrasound, I looked at Jeff and said, "Let's go shopping!" I had refrained from making any big purchases due to my fears and worries, but now I was ready to start making purchases. We bought the crib, dresser/changing table, carseat and stroller! I already knew what I wanted and had already printed off the coupons so the purchases were easy to make. We also bought some little boy clothes for our "gender reveal" that night. The kids knew I was going to have an ultrasound this week, but they weren't sure when. I decided that it would be fun to surprise them so I bought little boy clothes and placed an outfit in three different brown gift bags. I also bought some Hershey chocolate bars and colored the "he" in blue and the "she" in pink (HErSHEy). We were going to have a "He 'r' she" party! On each bag, I wrote "he", "r", and "she" - one word for each bag. I placed blue tissue paper in the "he" bag, brown in the 'r' bag, and pink in the "she" bag. Once everyone was gathered that night (Jeff's parents, two nephews, and sister joined us - I already told my family since they wouldn't be there), Amber, Dallin and Daniel held up the Hershey bar with their guess as to the gender then each opened a gift bag to reveal the truth. It's a BOY! Dallin and Danny were both hoping for a little girl, but Amber guessed right.

We will welcome our little boy Southwick in July 2015!! Luckily, the next few months are super busy so hopefully the time will pass quickly! There are still moments when everything just seems surreal. Even though my belly is growing and I can no longer fit into my jeans, sometimes I just feel like I'm living in a dream. I am excited for the future. I still worry...not only about his health, but about how life will change once he's here. But I know this is the Lord's will. I know this little boy is supposed to join our family. There have been too many things that have occurred to only be "coincidence". I am living with a miracle growing inside of me. He is truly a gift from God.