Another white dove...

Today marks the due date for the sweet baby I lost due to miscarriage earlier this year. This is my second miscarriage...my second white dove...my second angel baby. How do you explain a loss that was never tangible? How do you remember without resentment? How do you find the strength and hope to keep trying? I have battled with these questions. I have fallen prey to discouragement and doubt. Conflict has crept into our marriage as we have tried to have a child without success. Something that should be so beautiful and miraculous has become so frustrating and mechanical. So how do you mourn what was but may never come to be? How do you shoulder the burden of infertility? How do you maintain a positive perspective? You choose to! Today I made a choice. I chose to wear a Wonder Woman t-shirt to remind myself how wondrous it is to be a woman. I chose to take Jonas on an adventure instead of wallowing in the abyss of loss. I chose to celebrate what I have rather than grieve what could have been. I chose to be kind. I chose to find joy in the small moments. I chose to love. The choices aren't always easy. There are moments when I succumb to emotions instead of choices; then, I remember. I remember that life is good. I remember that I am blessed. I remember that I am loved...and so are my angel babies. The tears unexpectedly came off and on throughout the day. The heartache was still present...but so was laughter...so was joy. I took Jonas for a train ride from Heber to Vivian Park in Provo Canyon. He loved being on a "huge" train. He loved that he could run around without being strapped to a carseat. He continuously shouted out things he could see along the ride (e.g., cows, tractors, etc.). I enjoyed watching him play on the playground while they switched the engine in preparation for the return ride. I relished the quiet, reflective moments I had on the ride back while Jonas slept. By the end of the adventure, my heart was full...not of sorrow (although it was present), but with gratitude and love. Life isn't easy. Tears have sprinkled my journey, but those tears fade. The blessings come...maybe not in the way I expect them, but they come. My joy is greater than the sorrow I've felt. I know my Father in Heaven loves me. I know He knows what is best. I will trust in Him.