ARIZONA!!

Today I flew down to AZ for a few days to continue my Spring Training tradition with my dad and to spend time (alone) with my family. It was a much needed break! Please don't misinterpret that. I love Jeff more than I have ever loved anyone. He is the rock I lean on and the wind in my sails, but even he will admit that he sees how difficult the past year has been for me. I didn't enter into this marriage with any delusions that it was going to be easy. In fact, logically, I have been able to predict (with fairly good accuracy) which kids were going to struggle more with the transition and how those struggles would be made manifest. I just couldn't predict how much of an emotional toll it would take. It is hard being the bigger, more mature individual when you feel vilified and misunderstood. It is difficult to take the punches and know that you have no where to punch back because you're supposed to be the "parent"...but you're not. You're the step-parent. I wish it wasn't socially acceptable to despise or vehemently dislike a step-mother (I guess the same could be said for mothers-in-law as well), but it seems to be. I know I will never have that biological parental connection with these kids. I feel it is impossible to love them "as if they were my own". I think anyone who says they do is simply fooling him/herself. That's not to say you can't deeply love and care about them because I do!...but it is a different kind of love. I will, however, admit that things are exponentially better now than they were a year ago. This is a difficult thing...and not just for me. It is hard to be faced with emotions that you can no longer avoid. It is hard to deal with situations that you have skillfully evaded for years. I do sincerely feel that everyone is trying their hardest to make this work. Some days are just easier than others. Luckily, this year there appears to be more easier days than last year and I know that is just going to improve. I know the kids need to "prove" me. I know they need to see that, despite their behaviors or their undesirable moments, I will still care for them and be there for them. I know they haven't always had that in a maternal figure, but it can be draining at times...so I escape home to my own mommy! It was just what I needed. I had a blast spending time with my parents and my nephew (Tyler) and niece (Kate). (Nichole and Ryan had an escape of their own so I got to help watch the kiddos while they were gone.) We did everything from going to the park to having slumber parties. Here are just a few pictures of our weekend adventures!

Kate loves to sleep in the cubby under the stairs at my parents' house. 

Tyler got hooked up with a huge air mattress and a huge TV for video games! 

I was so glad there were still oranges to pick! The last ones are the sweetest ones! Plus there was the intoxicating aroma from the citrus blossoms! I was one happy girl!! 

While I was in AZ, I also had the chance to visit my aunt and maternal grandmother's grave. It's been almost 13 years since I lost my aunt (the woman I am named after) and 3 years since my grandmother passed away...and I still miss them. I guess that's a good thing because if there was no love, there would be no grief.

On my last day in AZ, my mom and I headed out on a little shopping spree. I wasn't really looking for anything in particular but I found a few items that only an AZ girl would appreciate.

I didn't get a chance to go into the new Gilbert Temple (maybe next visit), but I did get to walk around the beautiful grounds. I am so excited for the Payson temple to be finished! All in all it was a great trip!