Mother's Day

I have to admit that this is a day I have struggled with for many years - not because I don't have an incredibly amazing Mother to celebrate, but because I have never felt worthy to be celebrated on this day. Logically, I know that being a mother is more than just having a biological child. Being a mother means sacrifice, unconditional love, service, and so much more. However, when Mother's Day ads or talks in church revolve around the assumption that motherhood is exclusively equated with maternity, I am painfully aware that I don't make the cut. Jeff and I have been trying to have a baby for several months, actually we've been trying for over a year. I was able to get pregnant once, but miscarried by the 9th week. Lately, I have been taking medications to increase my fertility, but with Jeff's medical history and low sperm count, it doesn't seem to be working. Each month another piece of my heart breaks off as the dream I hold to have a child seems to slip through my hands like sand. I am desperately trying to grasp onto the few grains of the sands of hope that I have left in my clutched hands, but reality seems to be crashing in likes the giant waves on the seashore. There is a hole in my heart that seems impossible to fill...and seemed to be magnified today. I don't think I can describe the ache I feel or the struggle I have between my what my heart feels and my head knows to anyone who hasn't gone through similar experiences. I know my Father in Heaven has a plan. I know I am a mother to these four amazing kids, even if I didn't bear them. I know that motherhood doesn't solely depend on biology. I know that Eve was told she was the "mother of all living" before she ever bore a child. I know that means that motherhood is a divine gift given to all women. Now if I can just find the connection between what my head knows and what my heart feels. Luckily, regardless of my inner conflict, I did feel celebrated today. I may not have felt I completely deserved it, but I did feel loved. Everyone chipped in to make today special. Jeff and Laurin spent a lot of time in the kitchen. Jeff insisted on making breakfast, lunch and dinner! And they weren't just throw together meals. For breakfast, he prepared yogurt parfaits, cinnamon rolls, and juice. For lunch we had shrimp cocktail, salmon, potato cakes, and corn. Finally (as if we needed more), we had ranch chicken, mashed potatoes, rolls, and green beans for dinner - topped off with my favorite lemon cake! Jeff had to put me in "time-out" a couple times just so I wouldn't clean the kitchen. With each meal, he gave me a separate Mother's Day card. Each of the cards contained messages of love, admiration, and unending devotion. I also got a dozen yellow roses (my favorite color). The kids also gave me a card (which included a heartfelt message from Amber that I will cherish for years) and everyone chipped in on my gift - TV in the shop! A couple days ago, Jeff and the boys trenched a line from the house to the shop and ran some additional wires. Now I can watch the Today Show (one of my addictions or guilty pleasures or both) while I work out in the morning! It makes exercise a little less boring. Despite the conflict of emotions I felt, it was really a good day.

Amber decorated the cake. 

Jeff's cards and the flowers