You are beautiful!

Today Jeff and I met at the Provo Temple to do some sealings. Jeff was a little late to arrive so I took advantage of the beautiful weather and sat outside in the gardens. While contemplating the sacred beauty of this magnificent edifice and pondering the things that have currently plagued my heart, a young woman approached me and handed me what appeared to be a business card. She simply smiled, offered a quick greeting, then left. "You are beautiful," the card proclaimed. I may not be struggling with feelings of low self-esteem (even though I'm not fond of the few pounds I've gained over the last year), but I am laboring under the load of other emotional trials (the fact that I may never have a child of my own). This simple gesture from an unknown young woman let me know that I was noticed and cared for. Sometimes a compliment is all it takes to lift someone who feels fallen. I needed that today. I don't understand why I seem to be denied the righteous desire of having a child. I know the Lord has His reasons. I also know He loves me, but that knowledge doesn't always quell the intense feelings of longing and loss. At least, inside the temple, I can feel peace and receive reassurance that everything will work out for my good...in spite of all the pain.

Dallin's last concert

Tonight Dallin had his last concert...probably ever. I don't think he is going to continue in choir. Sports seem to be more his thing. Still, he did a great job. He even had a solo, which he rocked! Great job Dallin!

Mitchell's Court of Honor and Grad pics

Today Laurin, Dallin, Daniel, and I (Amber had her last choir concert that Jeff attended...but did not take any pictures. I still haven't fully trained him.) had the opportunity to attend Mitch's (Jeff's nephew) Eagle Court of Honor. I know how much work and effort goes into earning an Eagle so I am super proud of Mitch! I loved being apart of it and for the example he set for my boys. Prior to the Court of Honor, we met up at Trudy's house to take graduation pictures. Technically, Mitch's graduation is on May 29th. However, he is done with school on the 23rd and leaving town to do summer sales on the 24th so, much to Trudy's disappointment, he will not be attending his high school graduation. Still, we couldn't let the moment pass without getting some pictures.

Evan, Danny, Dallin, Mitch, Laurin

A more natural Southwick pose 

Laurin, Rodney, Penny,  Trudy, Danny, Mitch, Dallin, Evan, Alisha 

Trudy and her boys 

After a few pictures, we raced off to the church to set up for the Court of Honor. It was really well done. The two speakers shared stories about Mitch's journey toward his Eagle and emphasized the prestige and responsibility that comes with being an Eagle scout. Mitch's maternal grandfather presented him with his Eagle. After receiving his pin, he was given a pin to give to his mother and father. Mitch's father (Greg, Jeff's brother) died when Mitch was still a toddler, so Mitch asked Rodney to come forward to receive the pin in his stead. Tears filled my eyes as I witnessed this event. I am sad that I will not have the opportunity to associate with Greg in this life, but I am so grateful to know that I will have that opportunity in the next. Once Mitch recited the Eagle oath, we ended the program with cake and ice cream. It was a great night to celebrate a great kid!

Mother's Day

I have to admit that this is a day I have struggled with for many years - not because I don't have an incredibly amazing Mother to celebrate, but because I have never felt worthy to be celebrated on this day. Logically, I know that being a mother is more than just having a biological child. Being a mother means sacrifice, unconditional love, service, and so much more. However, when Mother's Day ads or talks in church revolve around the assumption that motherhood is exclusively equated with maternity, I am painfully aware that I don't make the cut. Jeff and I have been trying to have a baby for several months, actually we've been trying for over a year. I was able to get pregnant once, but miscarried by the 9th week. Lately, I have been taking medications to increase my fertility, but with Jeff's medical history and low sperm count, it doesn't seem to be working. Each month another piece of my heart breaks off as the dream I hold to have a child seems to slip through my hands like sand. I am desperately trying to grasp onto the few grains of the sands of hope that I have left in my clutched hands, but reality seems to be crashing in likes the giant waves on the seashore. There is a hole in my heart that seems impossible to fill...and seemed to be magnified today. I don't think I can describe the ache I feel or the struggle I have between my what my heart feels and my head knows to anyone who hasn't gone through similar experiences. I know my Father in Heaven has a plan. I know I am a mother to these four amazing kids, even if I didn't bear them. I know that motherhood doesn't solely depend on biology. I know that Eve was told she was the "mother of all living" before she ever bore a child. I know that means that motherhood is a divine gift given to all women. Now if I can just find the connection between what my head knows and what my heart feels. Luckily, regardless of my inner conflict, I did feel celebrated today. I may not have felt I completely deserved it, but I did feel loved. Everyone chipped in to make today special. Jeff and Laurin spent a lot of time in the kitchen. Jeff insisted on making breakfast, lunch and dinner! And they weren't just throw together meals. For breakfast, he prepared yogurt parfaits, cinnamon rolls, and juice. For lunch we had shrimp cocktail, salmon, potato cakes, and corn. Finally (as if we needed more), we had ranch chicken, mashed potatoes, rolls, and green beans for dinner - topped off with my favorite lemon cake! Jeff had to put me in "time-out" a couple times just so I wouldn't clean the kitchen. With each meal, he gave me a separate Mother's Day card. Each of the cards contained messages of love, admiration, and unending devotion. I also got a dozen yellow roses (my favorite color). The kids also gave me a card (which included a heartfelt message from Amber that I will cherish for years) and everyone chipped in on my gift - TV in the shop! A couple days ago, Jeff and the boys trenched a line from the house to the shop and ran some additional wires. Now I can watch the Today Show (one of my addictions or guilty pleasures or both) while I work out in the morning! It makes exercise a little less boring. Despite the conflict of emotions I felt, it was really a good day.

Amber decorated the cake. 

Jeff's cards and the flowers 

Dallin's birthday

Technically Dallin's birthday is tomorrow, but since it's also Mother's Day (poor kid is going to have to occasionally share his birthday with Mother's Day), we decided to celebrate his birthday a day early. We invited Jeff's parents, Katie, Trudy and her boys, and my siblings over for dinner, gifts, and dessert. Dallin decided he wanted my white chicken chili for dinner (and it was the perfect day for it! Crazy Spring weather went cold again!) and what we like to call Crispy Cream, for dessert (basically a half-gallon of ice cream sandwiched between Rice Krispies smothered in brown sugar and butter). All in all, I think he enjoyed the evening. I can't believe we have another teenager in the house! Luckily, this will be our max - only 3 teenagers at a time! By time Danny makes the cut, Laurin will be in her 20s. I asked Dallin if he felt any more rebellious once he reached teenage status. He said he didn't, but only time will tell. I have really appreciated his genuine, sensitive nature. He is very observant and always willing to help. Don't get me wrong...his halo isn't shiny all the time, but he is a great kid! I love being his mom. Happy birthday Dallin!

Morp

Today was the last high school dance of the year. As you can tell by the name, it is the exact opposite of Prom. It was a girl-ask-guy informal dance. Amber decided to ask one of her friends, Justin, to the dance. Three of Amber's other friends asked some of their guy friends and put a group together. Our house was the host house of the evenings events. Thank goodness for the shop! They broke a piñata, had pizza, spray painted their morp shirts, and played other games. Amber said they all had fun. I'm glad she decided to go...even if it was a lot of work to get things planned and executed. Here are a couple pictures they took by the railroad tracks.

Amber and Justin 

Cinco de Mayo

Feliz Cinco de Mayo! For many of you non-Arizonans (or Californians), today is simply another day; but in AZ this is a day that is widely celebrated by all. It is the day that the Mexicans celebrate the Battle of Puebla. It is not their independence day (which is in September), but it's still a day to bring family together, eat tons of food, and have fun! So...that's what we did. I invited my siblings and a cousin over for dinner and to take a whack at a piñata. We did this last year with Jeff's family and everyone really enjoyed it. And you know me, any reason for a party and to have family around is a good enough reason for me. We really enjoyed the evening. My cousin's wife, Lydia, is Canadian so she had never broken a piñata before. It was fun to let her in on the experience. Fue un dia feliz para todos!

Nolan riding the piñata!

We tried to get him to hit it but he didn't catch on to the concept. 

Kaia 

Dallin after he knocked the front legs off. 

Laurin 

Lydia 

Danny

Everyone scrambling for the candy!